I'm aware that this post isn't going to make me very popular with my friends. But I can't sit here and pretend this isn't happening.
It's been almost a week since we found out the news. And since then, I've been feeling extreme jealousy. A good portion of my friends have children or are pregnant right now (or for the majority of them, both).
I can't help but feeling jealousy. I'm jealous that you have a baby to take care of. I'm jealous that your pregnancy is going well. I'm jealous that you aren't getting sleep. I'm jealous that you (as far as I know) got pregnant without fertility intervention. I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm jealous that you have your family. I'm jealous that you don't know these feelings that I'm experiencing.
But on the flip, I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy that you don't have to go through this. I'm happy you have your family. I'm happy that fertility wise, things are easy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.
One of my longtime friends, who I've known since I was 8, messaged me in October letting me know she was pregnant with her second child. And she wanted to tell me first before she made the big announcement, because she knew that I was struggling to get pregnant. The month before, I had had the first miscarriage. I thought that was incredibly sweet and considerate of her. Although I told her that she didn't have to do that and I was happy for her. And I really am. And at the time when she told me, I already knew I was pregnant with Bootsie. I just obviously wasn't telling anyone because it was so early. So the news at the time wasn't hard to take.
I have another friend who I met on a message board for women who were struggling to get pregnant. We've actually become pretty close, although we've never met. She got pregnant 2 weeks after me and I thought that was so cool. We both had early pregnancy losses. Both of us were struggling to get pregnant. So, when we were going to be able to share our pregnancy together, I was ecstatic. We were texting each other often and sharing our symptoms and just talking about our pregnancies. Now, she's still pregnant and I'm not. And I haven't really spoken to her since. I mean, she's reached out and all of that. And I feel like an awful person. But I just can't right now.
I've thought about taking a Facebook break. There are so many pictures of babies and posts about what the babies are doing. That hurts. Right now I'm just scrolling through them. I can't take the time to read the posts or look at the pictures. I just can't. But I don't want to take a Facebook break. Facebook is how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends right now (because I'm so damn far away) that I don't want to miss anything. If someone needs me, I want them to know I'm there. If something awesome happens, I want to celebrate with you.
Another one of my friends, who is pregnant right now, recently reached out to me. She told me she felt a little guilty because she was on the verge of giving birth and I've lost 2 babies in the last 5 months. She also has another friend who recently lost a baby around 20 weeks. She told me she wants me to have what she has. She told me she believes that I was born to be a mother and I would have my baby soon. I hope she's right.
I told her not to feel guilty. My intent of this post isn't to make anyone feel guilty about sharing their life or having their family. So hopefully no one feels like that. Please know that I am truly happy for you. But please also understand that I can't really....celebrate with you in that part of your life right now. My heart is in pieces. And until I start counseling and healing, I won't be able to celebrate with you in that part of your life. Once I'm able to heal my heart, I'll come around. And I know that when I do have my baby, you'll be there to celebrate with me.
Thank you for sharing. You are truly a brave person to share something so sensitive to you. I was wandering after reading this. Is there actions or something in your life that would of causes your babies to be loose prematurely? Examples excessive stress, physical activities, etc. I hope you the best of luck with you being able to have your own fully born baby. Also, if this continues there are many great children out there that would love to be adopted. I know this is different than having you own. Just a suggestion. For me, it is better to say something than not to say what you are think out of being scared to voice different options.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel like an awful person Sarah. I completely understand that you're going through an incredibly sad time and right now you have to take care of you. I know deep down you are happy for me, but you are sad for yourself and your family. If you ever feel ready enough to wonder what's up with me, you can always pop over to my facebook or just ask, but I completely understand that for a long time it will be too hard to chat the way we were. I'm here though whenever you're ready to pick that back up, even if it's not for another six months or a year...or if you just want to chat about the weather or The Walking Dead :) Just take care of yourself and take all the time that you need.
ReplyDeleteJealousy and heartbreak are so perfectly normal for people who have lost their babies and for people who struggle to conceive. You are not alone in those feelings and even if no one you know personally understands that, please know that you are not alone. Anger is another emotion that people don't really enjoy hearing about, but it is often there for those of us with fertility struggles and those who have lost a baby. I feel for you and your husband. I hope that you will someday experience a successful pregnancy and hold your sweet baby in your arms. Know that it can definitely happen, even after multiple losses. There is hope. Even though that does not ease the pain of losing this precious little one at all, it may keep a tiny fire lit in your heart. In the meantime, give yourself time to grieve and heal (as you are doing). Your baby was so special, and important, and loved. Even people who do not know you personally can feel the love you and your husband have for your sweet baby. That love will not end because the pregnancy did. You have the right to grieve and to continue loving your baby.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you know, but I also want to say, that pregnancy loss is almost never due to something you are "doing wrong". So many thousands of mothers have lost their babies due to no fault of their own. Even though some mothers feel it, and at times other people will say it or imply it, you must remember that the loss of a baby is not your fault. You did not cause your pregnancy to end and there is no room for guilt in your head or heart. You wanted your baby and you loved your baby and sometimes, unfortunately, that is not enough. :( I hope you can make it though this journey without too much unintentional excess hurt. Sometimes, when people are trying to be helpful, it can hurt. I have been told that I can adopt more times that I can count and it never feels good, ever.
Much love to you and your family during this heart wrenching journey. ♥
I can completely relate to this post. The most important thing right now is for you to take care of YOU. There is no time frame for healing. YOU are the most important person now. Your emotions and feelings are normal. If you ever need to vent/rant/whatever - please feel free to contact me. I will just listen. Sometimes, that's what is needed the most in these situations. For someone to just listen while you let it out.
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