I'm aware that this post isn't going to make me very popular with my friends. But I can't sit here and pretend this isn't happening.
It's been almost a week since we found out the news. And since then, I've been feeling extreme jealousy. A good portion of my friends have children or are pregnant right now (or for the majority of them, both).
I can't help but feeling jealousy. I'm jealous that you have a baby to take care of. I'm jealous that your pregnancy is going well. I'm jealous that you aren't getting sleep. I'm jealous that you (as far as I know) got pregnant without fertility intervention. I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm jealous that you have your family. I'm jealous that you don't know these feelings that I'm experiencing.
But on the flip, I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy that you don't have to go through this. I'm happy you have your family. I'm happy that fertility wise, things are easy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.
One of my longtime friends, who I've known since I was 8, messaged me in October letting me know she was pregnant with her second child. And she wanted to tell me first before she made the big announcement, because she knew that I was struggling to get pregnant. The month before, I had had the first miscarriage. I thought that was incredibly sweet and considerate of her. Although I told her that she didn't have to do that and I was happy for her. And I really am. And at the time when she told me, I already knew I was pregnant with Bootsie. I just obviously wasn't telling anyone because it was so early. So the news at the time wasn't hard to take.
I have another friend who I met on a message board for women who were struggling to get pregnant. We've actually become pretty close, although we've never met. She got pregnant 2 weeks after me and I thought that was so cool. We both had early pregnancy losses. Both of us were struggling to get pregnant. So, when we were going to be able to share our pregnancy together, I was ecstatic. We were texting each other often and sharing our symptoms and just talking about our pregnancies. Now, she's still pregnant and I'm not. And I haven't really spoken to her since. I mean, she's reached out and all of that. And I feel like an awful person. But I just can't right now.
I've thought about taking a Facebook break. There are so many pictures of babies and posts about what the babies are doing. That hurts. Right now I'm just scrolling through them. I can't take the time to read the posts or look at the pictures. I just can't. But I don't want to take a Facebook break. Facebook is how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends right now (because I'm so damn far away) that I don't want to miss anything. If someone needs me, I want them to know I'm there. If something awesome happens, I want to celebrate with you.
Another one of my friends, who is pregnant right now, recently reached out to me. She told me she felt a little guilty because she was on the verge of giving birth and I've lost 2 babies in the last 5 months. She also has another friend who recently lost a baby around 20 weeks. She told me she wants me to have what she has. She told me she believes that I was born to be a mother and I would have my baby soon. I hope she's right.
I told her not to feel guilty. My intent of this post isn't to make anyone feel guilty about sharing their life or having their family. So hopefully no one feels like that. Please know that I am truly happy for you. But please also understand that I can't really....celebrate with you in that part of your life right now. My heart is in pieces. And until I start counseling and healing, I won't be able to celebrate with you in that part of your life. Once I'm able to heal my heart, I'll come around. And I know that when I do have my baby, you'll be there to celebrate with me.