Holy hell was I angry today.
I knew today was going to be bad. How could it not be? I had to meet with the doctor today to consult about the procedure.
I woke up realizing that I didn't have crazy dreams. As I had been for the last 4 months. It made this whole thing a little more real. I liked the dreams. It meant things were well, right? (Apparently not, but I digress). I'm usually a stomach sleeper and I still haven't felt comforable sleeping on my stomach yet. My baby is still there.
The first part of the day was fine. Sean and I grabbed lunch before heading to Philadelphia. But once we got in Philly, the anger started. We couldn't find the hospital parking lot, so we parked in another garage which was a little further away. Then, I had to go to the hospital for pre-surgery lab work and tests. We waited around a lot. While filling out the paperwork, I had to answer the question...
"Are you pregnant?"
I burst into tears. Then I started yelling at the paper. Because, that's reasonable, right? Anyway, I left that question blank. Once we finally got done with all of that, we had to walk to the doctor's office a few blocks away. And we sorta got lost. And my anger intensified. Poor Sean unfairly bared a good majority of my anger. Like it was his fault my phone was giving me stupid walking directions. I apologized, he understood.
We were in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Of course, the anger just kept rising. And with every pregnant woman I saw, my anger kept building and building. Who are they to just walk in front of me all pregnant? How dare they! I saw one pregnant woman frowning and I wanted to slap her face. Be happy...at least your baby is alive. Of course, I know these thoughts were completely irrational and unfair. But it was how I was feeling. And I'm allowed to feel what I feel.
Once we finally got called back, I was a complete bitch to the medical assistant. We had to wait another 30 minutes for the doctor, who immediately apologized for being behind. He also expressed how sorry he was that I had to go through this. My anger dropped a little.
He began explaining the procedure, how I would feel, etc. He said physically, I would be fine in a day. THEN. He said "But here..." and points to his heart "...that's what you have to work on." And I completely lost my shit. He highly encouraged me to see a grief counselor. Which, I had already planned to do. Because the early miscarriage I could handle. But this one is very different. I saw my baby wave. I'll never get to hold this baby. That's a level of grief I can't even begin to express. And even if I could find the words, only someone who has been through this can really understand that level of grief.
Our little Bootsie is going to be buried. The hospital has this as a program, at no cost to us. I'm hoping this will help with my grief. It makes me feel better knowing this. Bootsie will be at peace and I know that some day, I will be too.
My anger is going to keep popping up for a while. And I just need to accept this.Anger is not an emotion that I tend to feel. I mean, sure. I get annoyed. Irritated. Never angry, though. I don't like that I feel this, but I'm allowing myself to feel it. I'm not going to fake my way through this.
I'm angry that I feel inadequate as a woman. I mean, you're supposed to be able to bare children, right? You're just supposed to have sex, get pregnant, have the baby. Not have super long cycles, not ovulate, use medicine to get pregnant. Have 2 miscarriages in 5 months. It's basically a kick in my proverbial nuts.
I'm angry that there are still so many unanswered questions. The biggest, of course, being why? On the flip, I'm grateful that this won't always be the case. The results for the baby will be back in a month. Then in 2 months, the testing on me will start.
I'm angry that my mom is angry. I vented to her today and she said that she was feeling anger too. That just sucks.
By the time I write again, the procedure will be over. My baby will be gone. And then healing can begin.