I've had a lot of people approach me, either via facebook, text or in person. And I know most people are hesitant. Wanting to say the right thing. But as I've said before, there isn't a right thing to say, as this situation just sucks. But, there are wrong things to say.
The following are three things that have been said to me.
1. "Oh, you can just try again. You're young!"
Ok. Let's examine this one. Yes. I can try again. And we will try again. But you're saying this to me not even a week after my procedure? I'm fairly confident that the person that said this to me has never experienced a miscarriage. Especially not a second trimester miscarriage.
I've lost my CHILD. Now, I am in no way comparing this to someone who has lost their child who has been living on this Earth. (I can't even imagine this pain). But. I lost my baby. My baby who I loved very much. Who we were making plans for. Who had a registry made for it. Who already had a lot of people loving it. My baby is gone.
Plus, if you don't read this blog, you don't know my situation. You don't know that my hormones are all off. You don't know I had to use fertility medicine. You dont' know that it's just not as easy as sex = baby for me. So, don't assume you do know and say something stupid.
And you're telling me I can just try again? Dafuk?
2. "It just wasn't meant to be."
Ugh. This was said to me by someone who I have a lot of respect for. And I know she meant well. And she shared with me she's been through a similar situation. And as I've said before, I believe most things do happen for a reason. But ugh. Until I know the reason why this happened to me, I'm not ready for hear that.
3. "You can always adopt. There are a lot of children out there who need homes."
When I was told this, I gave a major side-eye. C'mon. This is no way, shape, or form makes me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel a million times worse. This basically tells me to give up. You will never have your own child so just adopt. As if adoption is just that easy! Just go down to your local orphanage and pick one out!
We've been trying for only a little over a year. I'm not giving up on my dream to have my own child. There are so many other options. I'd like to have at least one of my own. Maybe if we're only able to have one, we would talk about this. I've even thought about having foster children when my baby is older. But I'm not ready to seriously consider this yet. And I would guess that 95% of people want their own children and would fight tooth and nail to have their own until they thought about adoption.
I'm not knocking adoption, by any means. I think it's great. Two of my cousins were adopted. But, telling someone "they can always adopt" hurts me right now.
I'm aware of my options. I know how babies are made. I certainly don't need people telling me my options.
So, for anyone reading this, if you ever have a friend, family member, whoever that is going through this situation, just know there isn't a right thing to say. But there are wrong things to say. I can't speak for every woman who has been through or who is going through this right now. But my advice to you is simple:
1. Let the person know you're there for them when they want to talk.
2. Acknowledge that you are sorry and the situation is just shitty.
3. Do not say any of the 3 things above.
Don't be uncomfortable with our pain. We need to feel our pain, our emotions and accept the situation before we can move on.